So, I’ve been checking my email repeatedly tonight hoping something interesting would appear. In lieu of that, I decided to post an update here.
I’m sorry I haven’t kept up the blog lately. My brain’s been trying to kill me. I had a manic episode that morphed into a mixed one and finally crashed into depression. I’m in the hospital now. I didn’t hurt myself. I just really want to die and have been in a lot of physical pain for some time. A new med is helping my pain tremendously but another new one meant to “organize” my thinking is turning out to make me more confused.
I’m in somewhat of a spiritual battle. I don’t know what’s happening to or with me or why I’m here. I surrendered to God last week, disengaged from my life. I prayed that God would fill every cell of my being until it burst and there was none of me left, only Him. I prayed He would use me for His purpose and not mine. I know it’s a dangerous thing to pray but I did. I’m very aware that I’m incubating here for something. I don’t feel anxious about His work in me. I just feel weary and tired. I need rest before the journey. My pastor visited tonight. It was helpful.
My doctor is considering TMS or ECT as well as other med changes. I’m grateful that my outpatient doctor is covering for my inpatient doctor this weekend. I saw her today and will again tomorrow. She is concerned, says I’m much more scattered than usual. I agree. I was sitting in the hallway today staring. I asked myself why I’m here in the hospital. I didn’t know. That’s never a good sign. I’ve been dissociating a lot and she asked me to try to stay present. I did and the death thoughts came flooding back in. I could feel myself dying in various situations. It was very unpleasant. I told my nurse tonight, whom I hate, and he didn’t seem to care. I care. God cares. I miss Dr. N.
My mom came to visit tonight too and I was pressured-speech rambling. Now I’m exhausted. I’ve eaten way too much chocolate pudding today but I’m eating and that’s positive. (stare) I’m tired now and feel so incredibly sad. Also, my friends are mad that I asked for no visitors except a select few. I don’t know what to say to that. I just need my space right now.
I’m not sure why I’m typing this or sharing my life with random humans. I guess I just need to feel heard tonight, to share. Thanks for listening. I appreciate you.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2015