I feel my throat burn and face and hands tingle. The chaos floods back in quickly. I drew my picture. Then I colored out the anxiety.
Today I let go.
I am worth saving.
I am still worth saving.
Still. That implies that I was before.
I’m also still okay.
I feel nauseous and scared.
(stretch, toes in grass, look at sun & upside down trees)
I am okay.
I’m afraid of the pain.
I’m afraid of the pain being real.
It’s everything I want.
If I go through it, will it subside?
If I come to life, will I want to be in it?
Will I be able to get back out?
I am okay.
I’m still okay.
I don’t know what that means.
I’m accessing. I’m getting closer to her. I’m letting her take over me.
I feel frustrated because today it’s different. I went from chaos at an 8 to a 0 with Soleil. I practiced trust and truth, hanging on and letting go, listening. (wave of sadness). Then chaos clamped down like a dungeon door trapping me in when I left.
(image in my mind of me begging at the door when the back of my cell had no wall)
Just turn around.
You’re still okay.
It’s okay to save you.
Remember today, resist self-sacrifice.
Eat. Move your body. Believe.
That’s all ’til next time.
Over and out. –
© Michelle Routhieaux 2014