5-26-14     6:19pm

Until this surgery I’d never been prescribed pain meds. Many times I should have been. Many times not. I’m watching NCIS:LA, kind of. Mom is working online. Pets are nowhere in sight. I was going to go to group but I’m too tired.

I went to see my chiropractor today. My neck has been out of whack. He played up the awesomeness of pain meds. The message from the universe lately has been “Live a little,” regarding pain meds – even from more than one of my doctors. What? I’m confused. I just want to feel better.

I’m sorry. I’m feeling very distracted and am having sensory overload from the tv, air conditioner, Mom and life outside.

FUCK! WHY IS EVERYTHING SO LOUD?!

(deep breath)

Dr. X was right. Narcotics numb emotional pain too. I’ve felt amazing on Norco every 4 hours but I have a limited supply. I decided to switch to PRN today. I took Motrin this morning – 800mg. I held out until after 5pm for a Norco. I was hot and weak and couldn’t stay awake. Ellie stayed with me.

I did notice today how hair-trigger my emotions are. I’m bitchy or rageful or antsy or confused. My tastebuds are off. Sounds are SO loud. I cannot do anything. When I am on Norco I’m confused but happy. I love my “mommy” and don’t care about anything. I am tempted to continue taking this Norco. The only downside is not driving, but I don’t seem to care.

What bothers me is that it’s an appealing addiction. Everyone seems in on it but me. The fact that I am helped by narcotics seems a no-brainer. (why is the sound so loud?) Why are my professionals promoting recreational use? Why don’t other things help me this much? And why am I experiencing withdrawal after only 4 days?

A small glimpse into prescription pain-killer addiction. I hope I don’t stay for the show.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2014