11/28/2013     10:29pm

Dear God,

I wish it was Tuesday. My voice is stuck inside me and nothing reaches the page.

I’m sitting in the car outside Mesa Vista. Light from Cog lights my page. I feel myself falling in slow motion, like a feather through Jello. Life moves quickly around me. I feel lifeless. Can’t move. Can’t stop. Another holiday out of touch. I need to catch this one early.

December is coming. Tomorrow’s Black Friday. I’m about to break. Double on Wednesday. I need so badly to be held. God? What are you training me for? What do you need me for now? I need you. I need a lot of things. I don’t want to end up back in the hospital and that’s the direction I’m headed.

Red flags

• Self-harm
• Dissociation (more frequent & intense)
• Desperation/Agitation cycle
• Nightly dreaming
• No interest in food (ED + decreased appetite)
• Increase in blood pressure
• Episodes of tachycardia
• Weak/Dizzy
• Depersonalization
• Derealization
• Really out of it
• Increase in switching
• Intense need to be held
• Confusion
• Decrease in personal hygeine
• Severe fatigue
• Rocking
• Racing thoughts or no thoughts
• Feel my face hanging, heavy
• Late frequently
• Anhedonia
• Can’t complete tasks
• Catastrophize more often
• Don’t care about my appearance
• Not feeding animals
• Sleeping in makes me feel worse
• Soul-crushing depression
• I just watch from behind the glass

Coping Skills I’m Using

• Day list (when I remember)
• Walking Ellie
• Sticking to a schedule
• Eating nut bars
• Deep breathing
• Singing
• Watching NCIS
• Decluttering
• Sensory distraction – light, temperature, sound
• Scented candles
• Getting out of the house
• Eating regularly
• Rocking
• Chewing gum
• Projects

Triggers

• Driving
• Mom
• Too busy – outreach, S, appts
• No music nights
• No free/down time
• Money problems
• Ankle injury
• Gluten-free transition
• -‘s episode, –
• J/M/S drama – trust
• Brother’s HD
• DBSA business woes
• Heartland scuffle on Monday
• Clogging – Quarternote end, dying, teaching, etc.

What do I need?

• Modified schedule w/emphasis on self-care
• Talk to my providers
• back to Day List
• Go back to the bus half time
• Meet with a dietician
• Go back to Dizzy’s
• Start writing again
• Find/schedule more alone time
• Go back to the gym
• Schedule garage time
• Pray

Let go.

1. Schedule – weekly
2. Menu

© Michelle Routhieaux 2013