Yes, I am. Stop reading my mind.

I don’t know what’s going on.
It’s hard to breathe and move and walk.
I am so tired. Can’t tell if I’m hungry.

I don’t know what I’m searching for and have little energy to do it.
Awhile back I was searching desperately for the answer to what’s wrong with me. Now I just watch it work. I guess it’s like learned helplessness. I’ve spent so many years listening to doctors tell me there’s nothing wrong with me that even when I know something is really wrong I don’t waste my energy telling them because it’s not worth the hurt. It hurts when they try to convince me I’m fine. I’m not stupid. I’m not making things up. I wish I had someone who believed me AND was qualified to help. And who took my insurance, of course. Good luck with that.

I put on my FB last night, “I’m enjoying my life.” I am.
—-
Last year was about freaking out and struggling and growing and learning how to die. How to accept. This year is about fun, letting go. Learning who I am and how to enjoy me. To relax and just have fun. This is what I’ve got. This is me.

I was angry today. I remembered a few nights ago my mom once told me I passed out when I was little. I finally remembered again today and asked her what happened. She said I fell and hit my head on something when I was 2 or 3, “a table or something.” Apparently I was out for “a few minutes” and had a concussion. I don’t know how she never thought this was relevant to tell me. Just like I never knew my grandpa died of heart disease until last week. SO IMPORTANT! (sigh) I knew I had a history of head trauma but… How could she think that was unimportant? At the very least it skews the data for every research study I’ve ever been in.
—

I’m trying to watch the Tonys. I can do a few minutes at a time. I feel agitated but very weak. A quite annoying plight. It’s like trying to light a cigarette with a match in the rain.

Breathing…
I’m so tired…
Just breathe.

Confusion makes everything clearer.
I’m waiting for the answer to come to me.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2011