5-23-10                 6ish pm

I invite – to do things occasionally. She never comes, which is fine. She does a lot of things with her family. She mentions her grandmother and godmother. It makes me wonder.

What is life like with a family? What is it like to have holidays and birthdays? Gatherings of people you will always have some connection to? I know families can get stressful and ugly, but I’d like to experience one that’s not.

I don’t really know how a family’s supposed to work. It was just me and my mom and eventually the cat. I would steal Mags’ words that my mom is an emotional cactus, but cacti are predictable. My mom’s more like a Venus fly trap. She’s all nice and beautiful until you get close enough to touch and then she eats you alive.

—

Dad was always a stress and seeing G- rarely less than traumatic. Holidays involved driving and guilt and many gifts. We spent some at my adopted grandma’s with her crazy family, some at home, some at my best friend’s house. But I never belonged. They’re not my family.

2:25am

I don’t know what it’s like to have more than one blood relative to choose from to list as an emergency contact, to have children around, or to witness a relationship of any kind. I have a family. They just don’t have me. You know? I don’t understand how it’s supposed to be.