5-1-10                   2:28am

I know that losing someone is a tragedy, no matter how they go. But I see a lot of good in things. Some call me a mercenary, others an opportunist. But I’m the one who in that dark moment tends to find something to take advantage of. Randy’s suicide is no different.

I know there is a lot of pain right now, but I think that Randy gave us a gift. Several. It was a choice that he made to leave us and yes there are consequences. But there are good ones. The first thing I thought once I was able to think after the news was, “Well, S— will call me back.” And he did. But that’s not it. I’m finding friends in people out of my network, people I had only known professionally. Someone met me for coffee when I needed to talk. Others networked together to find help for my group.

I see the change in others too. People are angry and they’re hurting, but they’re feeling. We’re feeling together and we’re talking about something that’s usually taboo. We’re talking about suicide and experiencing it together. L- is angry that more people don’t respect Randy’s choice. But she’s sharing… W- is confused, but confused with the group. It’s not something we’re experiencing alone. It brings us together. D- gets to see firsthand, as do we all, the effect of a suicide on the group.

I was feeling suicidal the day before Randy died. Tonight that feeling has gone. I won’t lie. It’s been back, but tonight I’m okay. I have people to take care of and life to live. Mags posted a note tonight similar to my realizing that I too am a key (The Key to My Heart). She is considering her potential and what only she has to give. There are questions being asked about how we as a group can help more, can make a bigger difference. How to change for the better. I think that’s a gift.

People showed up to group last night who have not been there in ages. Yes, they were distraught. But soon they will be ready to do something. I have often thought when I’m considering suicide that everything happens for a reason. I tell myself maybe I’m supposed to die so that others will take a stand, to make that change, to make things possible. I don’t think Randy died in vain. I think his suffering is now gone and that it served a purpose. Randy gave us a gift. Many gifts through his life and also through his death. And for that, I’m grateful.