The Process

3-24-10                 12:20am

I gave a presentation today at the RICA Peer Liaison meeting. I’d known about it for awhile but chose not to prepare anything. I tend to do better when I’m under pressure and haven’t prepared much. It’s an odd phenomenon but it seems to work well for me. So I printed out a report to use as a template as I ran out the door late. My mom thought it was somewhere else so we were more late but I managed not to get super mad at her (in words) and the presentation was awesome. AWESOME. When I got back to my seat I was flying high. I sent a text to a few friends that said, “AHHHH! I’M AWESOME!!! Lol. What a rush!” Then it hit me. I forgot something. It wasn’t Earth-shaking at first. Just a realization. Then I started to feel angry. REALLY angry. It was like the feeling was taking over me. I couldn’t stop it. So I decided to write. What else is there to do in the middle of a meeting? The thought process was this:

3-23-10                 2:18pm

AHHHHHHH!!!! I feel excitedly ANGRY! AH! (Breathe…)

Urges: Kick the wall. Scream. Hit something. Run. Cry.

Body: Face tingling. Teeth on my tongue bothering me. Feel cold. Yawning. Eyes water. Hair in my eyes bothering me. Shoulders moving. Feet feel claustrophobic in shoes. Shallow quick breathing.

Thoughts: I am awesome! I’ve failed.

Trigger: Realized I forgot the “we don’t take holidays” clause. Mom remembered but didn’t tell me.

Coping options: Take Xanax. Breathe. Write. Go outside. Accept.

Action options: Say something. Say nothing. Tell Karin later.

My mind was racing. What was I to do? If I said something it might be inappropriate. I’d never been to one of these meetings. If I said nothing, I would kick myself from now until eternity. Telling Karin later would just be a copout. There was a pause and I spoke up. My anxiety was SO high. But it worked! It was appropriately timed and led to 2 other comments people had forgotten. Yes! Success! I circled “Say something” under action options and breathed a big sigh of relief.

I’m proud of myself. My Cog and DBT and assertiveness training and guts combined today to help me achieve a great thing. And I’m honored to share the process. :)

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

1 thought on “The Process

  1. Whoo! I love your blog!! It’s totally what I wanted to do for a while and haven’t done it- and the fricking whole feel of it is creeping me out!! Its, so me! ha ha.

    Writing towards Happy… LOVE it. TITLE is awesome.

    I just looked you up on FB by the way, so that’s me requesting to be your friend. I am in the NYA barely, I just got diagnosed gene positive in 2008 and went to my first convention in 2009- at 28 (and didn’t plan enough ahead to do anything with NYA), so I am 29 this year. First year going as a NYA member, and last. Next convention is the big 30, end of the line with NYA.

    I love “Today’s Successes” << that is a great idea.

    Thanks for inspiring me. :)

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