I’ve been thinking about this for awhile. I don’t often feel a strong connection to people, sometimes because I don’t want to. I find myself distanced, separate. There is something between us.
Yet, people seem to be drawn to me. I don’t know why but they tell me things. They tell me things I would never want to know, things I don’t need to know, things they don’t tell anyone else. They tell me. Probably ‘cuz I listen. Sometimes I share back but most just want me to listen. This I expect in group, but it happens every day.
It’s somewhat like confession. People come to sit with me or send me an email to dump their shit. Then they get up and walk away, and they’re gone. Until they again need a listener. Sometimes I wonder if they think about me and what I’m to do with all this information. They may be just passing through but I stay. And I don’t have people that I get to confess to, who answer my calls and texts at all hours just because. And I do have feelings… But I’m smart enough to know not to leave them with the ones passing through.
Then I thought, “Maybe I’m the one who’s just passing through.” It’s not like I make a real effort to put roots down anywhere, to stay attached to anything realistic. I live in fantasy. Maybe I’m passing through. If I wasn’t here there would be someone else to spill to.
This confession thing puts me in a tight situation sometimes. For instance, there is a place I go every week to hang out. For some reason, people are drawn to talk to a girl sitting alone writing in a bar on a Sunday night. I don’t know why, but they are. So they come & they talk to me. One by one they spill their stories. The problem is that I get both sides. They think I’m biased because their boss is my friend, and I am, but I’m not “on her side.” I find myself wanting to solve the problem, but realize it’s not my problem to solve. So I sit back and watch, knowing what’s happening from every angle, unable to do anything about it. Who’s trust do you betray to remedy the situation? What’s confidential and what can’t I live without sharing? I don’t know. So I watch and listen, and I just pray that it turns out well.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2010