I still have that feeling. The feeling that I’m going to die soon. I thought it might be a delusion but it’s not. According to Princeton’s web dictionary, a delusion is “an erroneous belief that is held in the face of evidence to the contrary.” Nope. Not a delusion. It may be an erroneous belief but there is no evidence. There is no way you can prove that I won’t die tomorrow. Except for my brain, my body’s in pretty good health. But that doesn’t account for the rest of the world. Some things you just know.
Mothers know when something’s wrong with their child. Birds know when it’s going to rain. Cows can sense the earth shake. Why can’t I know this? What makes it so bad? You don’t know any more than I do. But I’m pretty certain I know more than you do.
There is a longing in me to be free. To be free from this life. I guess I’m kinda like those people who just keep waiting for Jesus to come. I long for peace. Quietness. Where things are spelled right and movies are free. Those golden streets. I’d like to see them. I’d like to hug my dad…
This feeling separates me. It’s motivation to do only what I really want to, to feel happy for me. And sad. And mad. For me. Board meetings seem largely insignificant. Why should I waste this precious time?
I own this feeling. I’m ready. You don’t have to be.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2010