(written during flashbacks of my dad after listening to I’ll Be Home for Christmas)
12-17-10 10:15ish pm
I’ll Be Home for Christmas
See the color
Feel his fingers, his breath
All I want is a family.
I want someone to take care of me
To love me
To fight with
To sit quietly with
I just want my dad.
The ceiling –
I miss my dad.
For What he was
What he wasn’t
What he could’ve been
What he taught through the silence I’m not sure I’ll ever learn
But I’m still grateful for it.
Why didn’t you stay on that mountain?
Why did you choose to come home?
Your life from my view is a map I don’t want to follow
But it’s my map.
I don’t get to choose.
Did you like jazz music?
What helped you get through it all?
I’m pretty sure it was your space people.
Crazy keeps us alive.
When I hugged you, could you let go or did you not want to?
I love you.
I want you to love me too.
So I put on a face and everything seems alright.
But inside I die
A little more each night.
I am sitting in a bathroom terrified of my life.
It’s just life
But it’s so much more than that.
This is IT.
Don’t you get it?
I’m not coming back.
There aren’t any do-overs.
S- wants me to sing tonight.
She knows it makes me feel better.
I don’t want to be on display.
I just want to be held.
I am a child in need. –
I am worried about S- leaving.
I’m so scared of losing her.
Last night at the W-?
I am scared.
And I can’t seem to pull it together.
© Michelle Routhieaux 2010
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smooth word flow..
I invite you to attend poets rally week 35, where you share your poetry and make new poetic friends…poetry awards are assigned upon completion.
let me know when you are ready.
Thank you. What/when/where is poets rally week 35?
click on my name, you will see agreement,
your link is currently under WEEK 35 FRESH Poets to explore, you are not a participant until you come in, say yes to my questions, and leave your entry link …
please read my post via this link…
hope to see you in.
Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed I listen to this–helps some (not a cure, of course, just a mini break, maybe)
Crazy – Seal
You shared a piece of your heart here, of course. I’ll carry it with me now wherever I go and think kind thoughts on your behalf…what is poetry for, eh?
Thanks. :) I love that song!
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nice poetry. very personal and emotional. Good choice of language. Being a dad it made me sad…
Very melancholy mood you set here.
Enjoy the rally!
More like captured. Thanks.
Very emotional and I am intrigued.
Yes. Very. I was sitting on the bathroom counter in a hotel downtown hiding from the world when I wrote it.
Stream of consciousness of a frenetic mind… an interesting write.
Exactly! I never sit down to write. It’s not something I can force. It just comes and sometimes I’m lucky enough to catch it. Thanks for the perfect description.
Interesting, very personal, pouring from natural feelings. It definitely is thought provoking.
This brought tears to my eyes. Intense, honest, full of conflict, pain, and somehow, much beauty… the beauty of books we can’t open again, even though we may feel we need to. The beauty of loss, anger, love, fear– the beauty of so much inside. Thank you.
Wow. That’s an incredible compliment. I’m honored to be able to move you. Do you write or have a blog?
I have to agree with you julia..this brought me to tears as well. The emotions in this are so overwhelming.
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