I Don’t Want to Die

6-6-10                   2:26am

Tonight confuses me. I think I’m okay with dying but when I think it’s happening I’m scared again. Why? (sigh)

I’m pretty sure I’m not dying, but only cuz I’ve thought this many times and I’m not dead yet. But tonight I’m not breathing much and I can’t make myself breathe any more. I feel very weak. My blood pressure is higher than I’ve ever seen it and my pulse quite low. It’s scary. I don’t like feeling scared.

I paged my doctor, my primary. I woke him up. Poor guy sounded like, “WHY ME?!” He gave me his standard 2am answer. Take a Xanax and go to sleep, call him in the morning if I’m not better and good luck. I don’t need luck. I need you to tell me what the fuck is WRONG WITH ME!

I don’t want to go to sleep because I don’t want to not wake up. Is that so irrational? I had a great day today. My life is just becoming something I actually like. It’s not perfect, but there are days that I’m happy. Moments like tonight when everything’s right. When my face hurts from smiling. A few months ago I didn’t have that. I didn’t get it. I actually WANT to live now. You know?

Xanax. Please pray for me. I feel sad.

© Michelle Routhieaux 2010

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