I see this image in my head of S- and I on opposite sides of a glass wall each with one hand stretched out, palm to palm. It’s as if we’re in adjacent exhibits at the zoo, two close yet very separate worlds. The glass is what protects us but what keeps our hearts broken. If it shattered, the world might just die. Nothing would be right, even though right is so wrong…
I have such a deep compassion for S-. I have watched through the glass for so long this quiet suffering. He is broken but I’m not sure he sees his beauty. He said my summary was harsh today when I said I like him a lot and I have for a long time but I know I can’t have him because he’s not there. I didn’t mean for it to be. He said, “My heart is not mine to give.” Someone really hurt him. That makes me sad. I know that he has to discover the beauty in himself but I wish I could help ease the pain.
I’m really glad I gave him that note today. I really have nothing to lose. Only a friend to gain. I’ll see him again on Saturday.